


Too Young to Care (Too Old to Dream)

by Dandelionisonfire



Series: Songfics! [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 06:27:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14326569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dandelionisonfire/pseuds/Dandelionisonfire
Summary: “I’m sorry,” Dan says and his voice is hoarse. He’s standing so close but to Phil, his voice sounds far away. There’s salt on Phil’s cheek; he can taste it as it runs towards his mouth. It’s returning home, he thinks, and watches as a wave laps at the sand, creating little wavy patterns and erasing old ones.-Songfic based off of “Blackout” by Muse!





	Too Young to Care (Too Old to Dream)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [worriedpeach (skeletonflowers)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skeletonflowers/gifts).



> Eeeh, my first fic ever, this is terryfing. Thanks to botanistlester for editing and encouraging me though, I love you and this would never have existed without you!

They’re on a beach in Greece and the sound of waves crashing against the shore is deafening. The sun hit the horizon hours ago and the air is warm against their skin. Dan’s floral dress is flowing around him and the silk sometimes brushes Phil’s leg. They are alone except for the seagulls in the air and the little old fishing boat far out on the water.

“I’m sorry,” Dan says and his voice is hoarse. He’s standing so close but to Phil, his voice sounds far away. There’s salt on Phil’s cheek; he can taste it as it runs towards his mouth. It’s returning home, he thinks, and watches as a wave laps at the sand, creating little wavy patterns and erasing old ones. 

Phil is empty. 

Dan is crying, his mascara running, and normally Phil would reach out and wipe them away. Dan’s done enough crying for a lifetime, that’s for sure. In fact, his instinct is telling him to do so, to comfort the love of his life, but he’s frozen. Frozen on a warm beach in july. There’s some irony in there somewhere.

They’re standing in a field of daisies and chrysanthemums, days later, when Phil asks. They’re barefoot and holding each other in their arms. Rocking back and forth in comfort and union. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks quietly and there’s a painful stab in his heart. He’s looking at Dan’s eyes, searching for an answer, searching for cruelty perhaps, but he doesn’t find anything, just sorrow and heartbreak. 

“You’re too young to have to care,” Dan whispers and the smell of flowers suddenly makes Phil feel sick. Before he knows it he’s on his knees in a field of white and yellow flowers, puking up the contents of his stomach while Dan cries silently. 

They don’t know how to act around each other anymore. They’re both walking on eggshells, not knowing what to say or how to move. They were meant to have forever, it’s not fair. _They were meant to have forever._

Phil takes Dan out to dinner. He’s wearing a floor length yellow dress that Phil has always loved on him, but now the colour seems mocking. He takes them to a restaurant that looks over a river and a windmill towers above them. Old and nostalgic. They order red wine and lamb and there’s refreshing wind blowing through the wine ranks over their heads. An owl hoots in the distance but it’s too dark to locate it. It’s hauntingly beautiful and Phil feels like crying. 

They sit on opposite sides of the table and Phil drinks in Dan’s features as much as he can. Wide brown eyes are open and vulnerable, the highlighter on his cheekbones glitters, and Phil’s heart aches. How unfair.

When they’ve finished eating, Phil stands up and kneels before him, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the ring that’s been there for weeks now. His face is so full of emotion and he doesn’t take his eyes off Dan as his lover begins to cry.

“I want to spend forever with you. I’ll take whatever I can have. I don’t care what happens, you are the love of my life and I’ll never want anyone else.” His throat is closing up and there’s a tinge of despair laced through every word. 

“No, Phil” Dan shakes his head and stares at him, teardrops clinging to his lashes. “You don’t want that, I don’t want you to want that. Please,” he whispers, and Phil understand why. He knows what he wants though, there’s no doubt in his mind. He takes Dan’s hand and squeezes it reassuringly. 

Dan sobs and then he laughs, accepting the ring with a shaky hand, and then they’re kissing. Tears are mixing in and Phil has to stand on his tiptoes to reach Dan’s mouth because of his high heels and they’re sobbing into each other, but Phil knows he’s made the right choice.

Rarely has anyone seen a more confusing scene, and when they leave, hand in hand, an old lady enjoying dinner with her husband sends them a questioning but warm smile. Phil smiles back reassuringly. They will be okay, they have each other.

When Dan’s fallen asleep that night, Phil lies beside him in bed and looks through the photographs he’s taken on the trip. Since that night on the beach, he’s started almost obsessively documenting their days, trying to catch every fleeting smile on his lense. He goes back before that. Looks at the few ones taken before that night and he cries quietly, not wanting to wake Dan, a hand over his mouth and a slight shake to his shoulders.

On the plane home, they are quiet. They hold onto each other the whole time, barely letting go at all. It’s a scary world they’ve been thrown into and to face it alone would be unbearable. There’s a young couple with a child onboard and the sight makes bile rise in Phil’s throat. He’s always loved children.

There’s no right way to go forwards. There’s no fit all guidelines and there’s a lot of despair. They don’t fight, rarely even raise their voices. Phil cleans more than he used to, makes sure to put his socks in the wash and to close the cupboards while making food. Dan makes an effort to pause video games when Phil enters the room, making it clear he’s up for talking or just spending time together. They try to enjoy their time, travelling and eating expensive food.

Slowly life creeps back towards normal. On several occasions Phil notices his mismatched socks that he could have sworn he’d put in the laundry basket, lying around on their floors and other surfaces. He doesn’t ever catch Dan putting them there, but he suspects Dan misses the domesticity of it. Phil makes it a habit to join Dan in his video game playing and they spend their time well.

The wedding takes place three months after the proposal and it’s far from perfect. It’s raining, and the venue was the best thing they could find on such short notice. They have decided to walk to the altar together, Phil’s arms slightly supporting Dan as they walk. They’re both wearing suits; Phil’s a navy blue and Dan’s a traditional black, although he doesn’t look all that traditional in his white high heels, nude lipstick and highlighted cheeks.

Both their families and friends are gathered there. Everyone that matters is present and Phil feels happy, despite the heavy thoughts he’s been having about this lately. They say their vows and there’s a clear promise about forever and about remembering. Then they kiss and Phil holds Dan’s cheek and there’s glitter on his hands when they break apart. Everyone’s crying and Phil knows this feeling very well. It’s bittersweet.

When they leave the venue, the rain has passed, but a low hanging fog makes the air humid. Water droplets cling to Dan’s skin and Phil tilts his head back and looks at the grey sky. Then they kiss again and Phil wants it to last forever.

It’s a Tuesday two months later that Phil comes home to find Dan sobbing on the kitchen floor, plates and cups broken on the floor around him. Phil doesn’t ask, just kneels down beside him, gathers him in his arms and rocks gently back and forth in a bizzare mockery of their wedding dance only a little while ago.

He patches up Dan’s bloody hands and makes him go to bed. Dan’s shaking and Phil shouldn’t want to leave his side, but he uses the excuse that he needs to clean up a little, less the floor be stained. When he’s alone and out of earshot, he breaks down. He stuffs his knuckles in his mouth and bites down until he tastes metal. It’s strangely subdued, like all his senses have been diminished, and he barely notices. 

_Time is a strange thing._

They said at least five more months. It’s only been two since the kitchen incident and they were still supposed to have time.

They don’t have more time.

The funeral is held on a Friday in April. All of their friends and Dan’s family, plus Phil’s parents and brother is there. An April shower is also present, and Phil doesn’t mind the water going down his neck as they lower the casket. It grounds him, reminds him that he’s real and alive and here.

His eulogy is short but emotional, a haunting reminder of their wedding vows. It feels so long ago, yet like way too little time has passed. They throw chrysanthemums at the casket instead of roses. Phil knows it’s ironic but he kind of likes that. He thinks Dan would have liked it too.

He sticks around long after the ceremony has ended. His parents had left a while ago, knowing that, while he appreciated their love and support, he needed to be alone for a little while. Only Dan’s parents are still there, his brother having left as soon as he could. Phil knew it wasn’t because he didn’t love and mourn his brother, even though it could have seemed like it to an outsider. It was just the way he was, and Phil didn’t blame him for running. Phil had the urge to run as well. Run faster than he ever had before, over the hills and into the woods, never to return. But life goes on and Phil knows he’ll stick around. He’ll learn to live again, learn to place one foot in front of the other. He’ll find a way, and one day he might be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you want to reblog it on tumblr, here's a [link](http://dandelionisonfire.tumblr.com/post/172961948571/too-young-to-care-too-old-to-dream)


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